


With the Bears

by Lauralot



Series: Alexander Pierce should have died slower [34]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bed-Wetting, Diapers, Existential Crisis, Gen, Genderfluid Character, Non-Sexual Age Play, Stuffed Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 08:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11505567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauralot/pseuds/Lauralot
Summary: Bucky visits the other Winter Soldiers.One of them isn't doing so well.





	With the Bears

**I think he just loved being with the bears because they didn't make him feel bad. I get it too. When he was with the bears, they didn't care that he was kind of weird, or that he'd gotten into trouble for drinking too much and using drugs (which apparently he did a lot of). They didn't ask him a bunch of stupid questions about how he felt, or why he did what he did. They just let him be who he was.**

— _Suicide Notes_ , Michael Thomas Ford

“I brought bears.”

“Bears?” Josef’s mouth twists. Bucky can’t tell if it’s the concept of bears in general that he opposes or if his distaste is just aimed at the number of boxes Bucky’s unloading from the car.

“And some other things,” he amends.

In Bucky’s defense, now that his own bears all have multiple outfits and bearcessories and bear furniture, it seems only fair for the other Winter Soldiers’ bears to have all those things too. Besides, the duckling soldiers are supposed to be learning to have their own personalities and preferences instead of blindly following orders. Making choices with their bears can only help with that, right? It’s therapeutic.

Bucky sets the last of the boxes on the ground, then closes the trunk and taps on the rear windshield so Happy will know he’s clear to drive off. Bucky Bear thinks it’s just awful that the bears were in the trunk, but Bucky didn’t want Happy distracted by boxes sliding around during the drive. He’d seem stressed enough having to come to the super soldier rehab facility to begin with.

Steve hadn’t wanted Happy to do the chauffeuring. Initially, Steve had insisted that he should do the driving and spend the weekend there at the facility with Bucky as well. But Bucky had argued that the soldiers should have the opportunity to prove they could handle social events without Captain America watching over them. It was a matter of trust and making them feel like more than living weapons. And anyway, Tony could have his suits swarming the building in minutes if anything went wrong.

Eventually Steve had relented. At least, so he claimed. Bucky’s pretty sure Steve probably left five minutes after Happy drove out of the garage, and now he’s holed up in the closest hotel he can find.

Bucky tries to put the thought of Steve pacing around in a Super 8 out of his head. He can’t spend his time worrying about one super soldier’s neuroses when he’s meant to be spending time with five other neurotic super soldiers. Neurotic, dramatic, often frenetic and sometimes caustic super soldiers. And probably other tic-ending words that Bucky’s forgetting. The point is, the soldiers have built their own little home in this facility, and while Bucky’s excited to see what it’s like, his stomach is still fluttering with the thoughts of all the anarchy and resentment that might have built up in his absence.

The fluttering isn’t helped by the fact that Josef’s the only soldier who’s come out to greet him. Bucky had expected to be mobbed by overeager ducklings before he even got out of the car, the way they used to stalk him around the Avengers’ Tower. He takes a breath, trying to will calm through his body. Maybe the soldiers are waiting inside with some surprise. Maybe they’re only allowed out one at a time for security reasons, and Josef won in the scuffle over who got to greet him. Josef’s hair is slightly mussed, after all, and that’s uncharacteristic for him.

“Will anything break?” Josef asks.

“Huh?” Bucky’s sliding his backpack onto his shoulders.

Josef nods to the small stack of boxes. “Are any of your ‘bears and stuff’ fragile?”

“Oh. No, it’s all soft.” Initially Bucky had planned some sturdier objects, like bear beds and bear bicycles. Maybe some little weight machines or something. But there were already five whole boxes of bearcessories and anyway, the visits would have had to be delayed even more waiting to print, sand, prime, and paint little hard parts like that. So those things will have to wait. “Nothing can break, so you don’t have to be—you don’t have to worry.”

Bucky had nearly said _You don’t have to be gentle,_ but Bucky Bear would be appalled at such cavalier bear handling. It’s always better to start off social events with Bucky Bear in a good mood.

With another nod, Josef stoops down, straightening back up with all six of the boxes in his arms.

“I can get some—” Bucky starts, but Josef is already heading toward the facility’s doors. Bucky’s reminded of Steve, in a way. Stubborn and so insistent that he can do things without anyone’s help, even back when he was small. And then he’d get punched or start hacking up his lungs or end up pinned under the furniture he’d stood on to patch the ceiling.

Bucky wonders if Josef ever used to do stupid things to prove himself before the serum. If he had anyone to help him out from under the dresser or whatever he got stuck beneath.

Then he doesn’t have time to wonder, because he’s mobbed the second he gets inside.

This is what Bucky was expecting: the rush of bodies pressing up against him, so many voices layered over each other that he can’t discern words beyond the occasional mention of his name, the scents of shampoo and soap, and the feel of skin and fabric compressing around him, tighter than even his heaviest therapy blanket could ever squeeze.

For a second Bucky’s breath catches, chest tight, and all he can think of is the last time the soldiers crowded around him. The chill of the air against his forcibly exposed skin, and the certain, horrible fear of laughter.

He pushes the thought down. The soldiers hadn’t laughed. They won’t laugh now, and they won’t do that again. The group hug may have caught him off guard, but it’s not _bad._ It’s like how everyone from the tower clung to him once the jury said Bucky wasn’t guilty. It means they’re happy to see him.

They’re _happy_ to see him, even after all the uncertainty and pain he’s caused for them, and now Bucky’s throat is tight with other emotions.

“Hey,” he says once they’ve finally let go, voice a little rough. “Hey, it’s really good to see you all again.”

It is. The soldiers look more at ease in their own skin now than they ever had in the tower. Even after they’d learned that they could express themselves without punishment, anxiety had still hovered around them like personal little rainclouds. There was always hesitancy, no matter how small, before they made their own decisions. Spoke before being spoken to. Wore anything beyond the athletic clothes they sparred in.

Now even Josef’s wearing his own clothes, a deep blue sweater and black jeans. Both look soft, although Bucky can’t know for sure. Josef wasn’t part of the group hug, busy setting the boxes down against the wall. He’s stacking the boxes gently, even though Bucky had assured him he didn’t need to be so careful. Bucky Bear says that’s good. He says bears need proper reverence, even in boxes, and Josef ought to take his time with boxes holding bears.

Bucky thinks his bear’s still just sore about the time Josef tried to strangle Bucky.

But there’s a shimmer on Leo’s lips that has to be gloss and Tesla has chipped polish on her nails which means she doesn’t run to fix the slightest flaw anymore, and Dmitri’s hair is longer than it was at the tower. Arkady doesn’t stand as tensely as he used to.

They look happy, mostly.

He smiles at the talking starts up again.

“—missed you so much—”

“You have to meet the cat—”

“—set up a whole room for—”

“—and there’s a garden and a—”

“Bucky brought bears,” Josef says, his voice raised over the others. Just like that, the soldiers look to the boxes as if they’ve just now noticed them.

“Bears?”

“For us?”

“How many bears did you bring?”

“It’s not all bears,” Bucky explains. “There’s other stuff, too. But it is for you.” He feels awkward suddenly, dropping his head down. He’d promised to bring bears when he visited, but the other soldiers aren’t little like he is, and his stomach tenses a bit. Maybe they’d only agreed to bears to humor him.

He shakes the thought aside. “You should show me around first, though. If you want.” After all, this is their home. They’re trying to find their own paths and he ought to see how they live now before they’re bombarded with all the sort of bear antics that happen back at the tower.

“Sure,” Dmitri says.

Tesla takes Bucky’s hand before he can protest, and Leo grasps the other arm right after. He decides against making a fuss as they lead him down the hall, even though Bucky Bear is insistent that Bucky can walk unassisted. It’s not a big deal. They just want to show him how far they’ve come.

“This is your room,” Josef says, opening a door.

“You didn’t have to give me a whole room—” Bucky begins, but the protest dies in his throat once he gets a good look inside.

It’s a plain room for the most part. Off-white walls, a cardboard dresser, and big windows facing the inner courtyard. There’s a bed too, and it must be left over from when the building was a physical therapy center, because it’s a hospital bed. It has adjustable sides that are currently raised up like railings, flanking the mattress. Like the soldiers worry he’ll fall out.

But what Bucky’s most focused on is the mobile.

It hangs over the bed, glinting in the sunlight. There are five ornaments dangling down, like maybe each soldier made one. A red hourglass. A round shield. A silver hammer. A red and gold helmet. A green circle with a purple bow and arrow in the center.

“Do you like it?” Dmitri asks.

Bucky doesn’t know if he means the room or the mobile. He tries to fight back the blush he feels burning under his skin. Bucky Bear growls in his arms and he wants to shout that he’s not a baby, that he was a soldier just like the rest of them and he’s not even little right now and he can take care of himself.

But the other soldiers’ faces are hopeful, not laughing. Tesla still has his hand and she gives it a little squeeze, like she’s worried he won’t be happy. And maybe they just want to prove to themselves that they can care for someone instead of killing them. Maybe they need him to be little.

So Bucky smiles and nods and lets himself feel small.

*

“This is Katya,” Arkady says, giving the tortoiseshell kitten a scratch behind the ears.

Bucky’s seen pictures of the cat before in emails the ducklings have sent him. It’s because of Bucky and his guinea pig that they have a pet, sort of. After he’d texted them about what sort of animal he should get, the ducklings had decided that they wanted something soft and furry too, and their doctors said it was a good idea. So now there’s Katya, who’s supposed to be everybody’s therapy cat except she took to following Arkady around and mostly hissing at everybody else, so she’s kind of just his.

“Hi, Katya.” Bucky wonders if she’s named after someone or if they just call her that because it sounds like cat. He moves to pet her and she strikes out, claws scraping faintly against his metal hand.

Bucky Bear does not like Katya.

“See?” Leo says. “She doesn’t like anybody else.”

“She’s just shy,” Arkady protests. Katya hops onto his lap, pushing her head against his stomach.

“She’s gotten better with familiar people,” Tesla says.

“Mostly,” Josef mutters, which makes Bucky glance over to see if he has any scratches. There aren’t any on his hands or face, at least.

“But she’s not so good with strangers yet.” Dmitri stands up, offering Bucky his hand. “Sorry, Bucky.”

“It’s okay.” Pico de Gato had been scared of Bucky the first time Crystal introduced them too. And Bucky Bear doesn’t like cat hair anyway, so it’s not a big deal that Katya doesn’t want to be touched.

Arkady’s room has a little cat bed and Katya’s food and water dishes, as well as a couple posters of what he calls MMA fighters. Bucky’s never really watched MMA. He knows the Commander likes it, or at least used to, and when Bucky feels grown-up he can appreciate the talent that goes into it, but the matches can get bloody and he doesn’t like to watch that.

Leo’s room is full of sketchbooks and magazines and big transparent sheets of paper that Leo says are for drafting. The ducklings have monitored Internet access and their doctors said that it might be good for them to try out college classes online, so they could develop skills outside of espionage stuff and maybe find things they’d like to do someday. So Leo’s studying design and he even has a sewing machine. Bucky wonders if he made the clothes he’s wearing now. His sweater has funny sleeves that aren’t attached to his shoulders but still stay on his arms. And his pants are shredded with a different, brighter fabric poking out between the strips of denim.

He also has a lot of shoes, with high heels and flats and sparkles and leather. “Where do you find all these in your size?” Bucky asks.

“They’re shipped from a place in the West Village,” Leo says. “They make clothes for drag shows, where people dress up and perform.”

Bucky knows about drag shows—Daddy says that they happened in the army sometimes, unofficially—but he lets Leo explain because of how happy Leo looks about his new stuff.

Dmitri’s room has a lot of books. Most of them are in Russian, but Bucky does notice a few in English on his desk, with flowers on the covers. There’s a canvas on his wall with smears and swirls of red, orange, and yellow, which Dmitri says he made when the doctors had them try painting.

Tesla has a canvas in her room too, in deep greens and blues. She has a set of colored pencils and a notepad too, so maybe she really liked art therapy. Maybe Daddy could come here and draw with her someday, or teach the ducklings more art things. He always comes up with fun projects like window ghosts or making stained glass with crayons and wax paper.

Josef doesn’t have a canvas in his room. Leo and Arkady didn’t either, at least not on display, but they still had stuff. Josef’s room almost looks like part of a hotel: there’s nothing on the walls, no pictures or even a clock. Bucky doesn’t see a bookshelf or anything except another pair of shoes by the bed to indicate that someone even lives here.

Even the Commander had magazines.

Maybe Josef’s stuff is all in his closet and he just likes to be neat. Maybe all the stuff he likes to do is on the computer. Bucky Bear says that Josef might still be adjusting to having the freedom to put stuff wherever he wants. It doesn’t mean he’s sad.

Bucky tries to believe that, but he can’t keep from biting his lip.

Maybe Josef sees that, because all of a sudden he’s holding Bucky’s hand. “We should see the bears,” he says, and all the other ducklings agree. So does Bucky Bear, who says bears always cheer everyone up.

At first, Bucky had thought about making the super soldier bears all fluffy and yellow, maybe with orange noses. Like ducks. But the ducklings were supposed to be developing their own identities, so Bucky had ended up asking everybody what color they wanted their bears to be. Each bear has a fuzzy little ushanka on their heads when Bucky takes them out of the box, but they’re all different colors.

Dmitri’s bear has red fur with yellow paw pads. His nose is yellow too. Dmitri had said he wanted a red bear, and Bucky thought the yellow looked nice with it, like on Iron Man’s suit. Plus Dmitri misses the Soviet Union, and red and yellow were the Soviet Union’s colors. Dmitri smiles and gives the bear a squeeze and Dmitri Bear is so happy about it that he doesn’t even mind that he’s naked except for his hat.

There are clothes in another box, but Bucky had wanted the ducklings to get to choose their bears’ clothes, even though Bucky Bear says that’s completely undignified.

Arkady had wanted a black and white bear, so he has a panda. There are little felted bamboo shoots for him in another of the boxes. Leo’s bear is multi-colored, with splotches of blue and pink and some purple where they touch together, almost like the fur is tie-dyed. Tesla’s bear is a pale, bright blue that Tony called electric. Bucky wonders if the fur glows in the dark.

Josef had just said that he wanted a blue bear without saying what kind of blue, so his bear is a deep, almost navy color. Bucky remembers Josef wearing shirts that color when they sparred, and maybe Josef had picked those out himself. Maybe it’s his favorite color.

If it is, Josef doesn’t say. He just gives the bear a little smile and says thanks.

In the other boxes there are bear clothes. Pajamas of all different patterns and fabrics, little bear shoes, blouses and sweaters and skirts and leggings and everything a bear could need. There are even bear coats, all furry and sleek to match the ushankas.

There are bear sleeping bags and bear pillows and each bear has a little stuffed animal in case the bear ever needs a friend to snuggle. Arkady’s is a cat because of the emails about how much he likes Katya. Except Katya is mostly brown and the bear’s cat is mostly white, but still with splotches of other colors. Dmitri has a little wolf, like he’d wanted Bucky to get for a pet. Tesla has a chameleon, because Bucky has a picture book about chameleons and once Tesla read it to him and she’d told it really well. Leo has a little pink pig with a curly tail, and Josef has a duck.

He also brought rubber ducks for everyone, all personalized to match the colors of the bears. Bucky isn’t sure if this place has bathtubs or just showers, but even if there aren’t baths, he figured the ducks could still find ways to have adventures.

Bucky tried to bring some personalized items for each bear as well. Leo Bear has a sewing machine and a little dress form and some other stuff like that, and Arkady Bear has things for his little cat and a yoga mat and a tea set.

With Josef Bear, Bucky wasn’t sure what he would like, so on Bucky Bear’s suggestion he brought a little of everything. There’s sweatbands and a motorcycle jacket and a deerstalker cap in case Josef Bear ever wants to solve mysteries. There’s a treasure map for pirate adventures and a lantern for camping and a little French horn for orchestras. And there’s a little set of pots and pans and whisks for cooking.

Leo hugs him tight when all the boxes are unpacked, and everyone says thank you at least twice. Some of the ducklings’ eyes look wet and Bucky worries that they don’t like the bear stuff and he’s made them sad. But then Bucky Bear reminds him of how overwhelmed he used to feel in his first days at the tower when Bucky realized people weren’t going to get rid of him no matter how gross or bad he felt.

And anyway, after that first couple of minutes, the ducklings start dressing up their bears and they seem really excited about it.

“They should have an adventure,” Tesla says, once her bear is done accessorizing. “Bucky Bear can lead the mission.”

Bucky shakes his head. “Josef’s bear should.”

Everyone looks up at that.

“Mine?” Josef asks.

“Bucky Bear says he’d be good at it.” Bucky Bear didn’t actually say that and now he’s a little annoyed because he had a lot of adventures planned out for these new bears, but they have all weekend to play. Anyway, Josef got his bear dressed in a couple of minutes and then just sat there while everyone had fun. Maybe being in charge will make him happy. Maybe then Bucky can figure out what he likes. “Please?”

In Josef Bear’s game, all the bears are lost in the middle of a deep, dark forest. They wander around for a long time trying to find their way out. There are some other animals in the forest, like pigs and ducks and wolves, but they don’t know the way out either. When they finally find their way home, Bucky thinks that’s because it’s almost dinner time and not because Josef Bear really had a plan for how to end the game.

*

Bucky can’t sleep.

He shifts in the bed, turning on his side and narrowly avoiding smacking his head against the rail. After a few minutes with his eyes tightly shut, willing sleep to come, he gives up and rolls onto his back again. The mobile overhead shines a little in the dark, reflecting the rays from the nightlight. Maybe it would be easier to sleep if he watched it spin, but it’s not spinning, and Bucky’s not about to stand up on the bed to spin a mobile. He’d like to keep some of his dignity.

Bucky Bear says that using a mobile is hardly as humiliating as having his traumas aired in open court. But he also adds that Bucky should just lay still instead of shifting around everywhere, because all the squirming isn’t helping him sleep any better. Which is true. It’s not that he can’t sleep because the bed is uncomfortable or anything like that.

It’s because he’s alone.

Dinner had been spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread. There was soy milk, because Arkady preferred it to dairy, and it was the same brand Bucky drank at home, which was nice. It was almost like being back at the tower; everyone ate together, the food was already cut, and nobody had knives.

Dmitri had explained that every Monday, the soldiers chose what meals they wanted for the next week’s menu, and then their therapists helped them get everything prepped and baked, portioned, and stored in the refrigerator or freezer. It was meant to be therapeutic, a group activity where the soldiers got to create instead of destroy. Dmitri didn’t say, but Bucky figured another purpose of the meal-planning was to make sure the ducklings only had knives when they were under supervision.

After dinner, when everyone had put their dishes in the dishwasher, they’d all gone into the communal room, which had board games and puzzles and a television. There was a game Bucky had never seen before called Cards Against Humanity, but Tesla said they couldn’t play that one and scolded Arkady for leaving it out. They played a few games of Clue and started on a puzzle, but once they’d found all the edge pieces, everyone decided to save the rest of it for tomorrow and settled down on the couches around the TV.

Leo had mentioned that they didn’t watch a lot of modern movies because the camera work and quick editing made Arkady stressed and kind of sick. Instead, they tended to watch older movies. Or infomercials, Tesla had added, because they were hilarious.

Josef turned on an old movie they’d recorded, something about killer bulldozers that was too silly to be scary. Bucky hadn’t seen that much of it because he’d started to drift off, head resting against the arm of the couch. He’s not sure how long he lay like that, but eventually Tesla had noticed, squeezed his shoulder, and asked if he needed help changing into his pajamas.

 _That_ had woken Bucky up in a hurry, vehemently insisting that he could handle his clothes on his own. Tesla didn’t seem like she believed him until he came out of the bathroom with his pajamas fully on, right-side out and not on backward, but she hadn’t argued, just told everyone that they were going to tuck Bucky in.

Leo had insisted on picking Bucky up to put him in the bed, even though he was perfectly capable of getting in bed himself, rails or no rails. Arkady had brought in a stack of picture books, and every duckling had insisted on reading to him. All the books had library stickers on the spines, and Bucky wondered if the ducklings could go to the library, or if their therapists had picked the stories out for them.

Everyone patted Bucky Bear’s head before Josef shut off the lights. Somebody must have pushed the mobile while Bucky was busy watching Dmitri tuck in the blankets, because when he looked back up it was spinning above him, and that made it easy to drift off. 

Except he didn’t stay asleep, and he’s been tossing and turning ever since.

It only dawns on Bucky now, staring up at the mobile, that he’s never really slept away from home.

That’s not entirely accurate: Bucky slept in hotels at Disney and when he was in San Francisco to see his family. But both of those times, Steve had shared the bedroom. Even when the Avengers are gone on missions, Pepper’s still in the tower, and so are JARVIS and Lucky. He’s always either with his family or in a familiar place.

And now he doesn’t have either of those things. Just a strange room in a strange building with all the people he knows further down the hall.

Bucky Bear protests when Bucky props himself up on his elbows, swinging his legs over the rail. His therapists always say it’s better to stay in bed even when he can’t sleep, just lying there with his eyes shut. That way, his body still gets some rest. But Bucky wants to _sleep_ , and he’s not going to be able to do that. Not in here.

His steps are almost completely silent in the hallway, socks dampening the sound. Bucky Bear stops complaining so much as they move through the dark, having apparently decided that this is a stealth exercise and he needs to be on guard.

Bucky’s plan is to lie down on the couch in the communal room. All the bears are in there, having come with everyone else once they were done with their honey in the kitchen. Lying down surrounded by bears would feel more like being at home. And it would still be dark and quiet and the couches are long enough to sleep on.

Except it’s not dark because the TV’s on with the volume very low. There’s some black and white movie playing on the screen, and Josef’s sitting on the couch.

Or was, right when Bucky walked in. Now he’s standing up. “What’s wrong? Are you thirsty?”

Bucky shakes his head. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Did you have a nightmare?”

“No. I couldn’t stay asleep long enough to dream about anything.” Bucky’s gaze drops to the floor and he toys with Bucky Bear’s foot. He’s still not sure how to act around Josef, what he likes or what sets him off. He was the soldier having the hardest time adjusting back at the tower, and everything indicates that that’s still the case here. “I thought I’d lie down on the couch.”

“I’ll go.” Josef bends down, reaching for the remote.

“It’s okay,” Bucky says immediately. Maybe Josef couldn’t sleep. Maybe he needs time alone to clear his mind at night. Bucky can’t take that away. “The TV might help me sleep. White noise, you know?”

Josef looks skeptical, but he stiffly settles back onto the couch. Bucky heads to another one of the couches, the longest one. Leo Bear is sitting on the arm of it, wrapped up like a mummy in what Bucky Bear says are far too many scarves to be fashionable. Leo Bear says that Bucky Bear doesn’t understand the avant-garde.

Bucky doesn’t say anything, lying down with his face turned into the couch, away from the glow of the screen. He squeezes Bucky Bear in his chest, shutting his eyes.

“Do you want a blanket?” Josef whispers.

“I’m okay.”

But he’s not. He’s wide awake, though the arm he’s lying on starts to fall asleep and he can feel his pulse thrumming through it. Like the seconds ticking by on a clock. And the seconds turn into minutes, longer and longer and Bucky can’t hold in a sigh as he rolls onto his back.

“I could get a book.” Josef hasn’t moved, but he’s looking at Bucky now instead of the western or whatever it is on the TV.

“No.” Bucky’s voice comes out with more frustration than he intended, and he forces it to soften. “No thanks. I’ll pass out eventually.” Probably. At the very least, if he can’t sleep now, he’ll be exhausted enough to easily pass out tomorrow night. So there’s that.

Josef doesn’t answer. Bucky hears him stand up and assumes he’s heading back to his own room. Watching someone else toss and turn probably induces sympathetic fatigue or something. But his footsteps are coming closer and suddenly Bucky feels hands on him, hauling him up off of the couch.

Bucky’s too tired and surprised to push Josef away or do much more of anything besides letting out a yelp. He thinks Josef shushes him, but it’s hard to focus when he’s being held off the ground. Josef has one arm slung around his back and the other under his ass, and Bucky’s ended up with his legs around Josef hips and his chin resting on his shoulder. “What are you _doing_?”

His face is burning. He has a pull-up on, and the ducklings just _knowing_ about that was bad enough and now Josef will be able to feel it too and Bucky can’t help squirming to try and get away.

“That damnable cat cried for hours the first night it was here.” Josef tightens his hold. “Arkady carried it around until it fell asleep.” He’s walking now and Bucky’s face burns more. What if he goes to see the others? What if they all try to hold him?

“I’m not a cat!”

“You won’t sleep if you’re so loud,” is all Josef says. He reaches the door and turns back around. He’s pacing the perimeter of the room, Bucky realizes.

He tries to move again, but Josef’s at a fighting weight and Bucky isn’t. Sure, he could free himself if he wants to make it a real fight, but he doesn’t. He’s even more drained now that the adrenaline has faded, and Josef is warm. There’s something soothing about feeling the rise and fall of his chest.

Bucky gives up and closes his eyes with a sigh.

*

There are voices, and that makes Bucky stir.

Someone’s stroking his hair. It feels nice, and he doesn’t move or open his eyes, not wanting the person to stop. Little by little, the voices get clearer.

“Want me to take him?” That’s Leo’s voice. “I’m not getting back to sleep for a while.”

“I’m fine.” That’s Josef. His voice is closer, so close that Bucky feels it rumble in his chest. That’s right, Josef’s holding him.

He was _asleep_ and Josef’s holding him. Bucky can’t help but stiffen in fear—what if he had an accident and what if Josef felt it, what if he leaked or cried from a nightmare and Josef thinks he’s even more pathetic than he already did—but he’s dry, and Josef’s hand isn’t there anymore. They’re not moving anymore. Josef must have sat down.

“Shh,” Josef mutters, and there’s the hand on his hair again. Josef must not realize he’s awake, because no one says anything for a long time. So long Bucky almost falls back asleep.

“At least I can do this,” Josef says lowly. “Imagine that on a resumé. Former KGB assassin, now working in child care. Can put your baby to sleep and dismember anyone who gets too close.”

He doesn’t sound happy.

“You can do lots of things,” Leo protests. “Bucky liked your spaghetti sauce.”

The sauce had been really, really good. Arkady said that the first time they made it, they had a different recipe, but that was too bland and Josef had changed things.

Leo’s still talking. “You were as good at painting as any of us, and when they had us try the—”

“That’s not the point.” Josef’s standing up again. Bucky feels movement, faster than before, and a sudden turn. Like Josef’s pacing in a smaller space. “You—you’re happy. Your sewing and Dmitri’s garden and Tesla—all of you are happy. You have a life outside of HYDRA. I didn’t. I still don’t. I believed in what I did.”

“So did I.” Leo’s closer now. Someone rubs Bucky’s back and he fights the urge to yawn.

“You’ve moved on.” Bucky feels Josef’s cheek brush against his hair, like he’s shaking his head. “The rest of you have ties to this world. Value you can offer.”

“You do too—”

“I was a soldier.” Josef almost hisses the words. “I dedicated my life to it. I was meant to become the perfect weapon. And I failed. Then I woke up and everything I’d worked for had ceased to matter. And now they want me to turn all that off, just move on from the person I was. I can’t do that. The only place I belonged was the ice.”

“That’s not true.” Leo says. But he doesn’t seem to know what else to say, and the quiet stretches out so long that Bucky drifts back off.

*

The sun reflects off the mobile and Bucky squints, burying his face in the pillow. It doesn’t feel like the pillows on his bed and he has a moment of panic before Bucky Bear reminds him that he’s spending the weekend with the ducklings.

The ducklings. Bucky remembers and sits up in the bed.

Last night Josef had sounded so _sad._ Bucky has to find a way to help him. If it weren’t for him, Josef wouldn’t be awake in the first place, and he wouldn’t even know he’s sad. So Bucky has to help.

But he feels so small. It’s such a big problem and he’s little and wet and doesn’t know where to start. Josef’s own doctors don’t know how to make him happy, and they’ve been around him every day for weeks and weeks. How is Bucky supposed to help Josef feel like there’s a place for him? How is Bucky supposed to tell him it’s okay if he still believes in the things that led him to HYDRA’s elite death squad?

Those are the kinds of issues the Commander’s struggling with. And when the Commander just had Bucky to help him, he almost died.

The Commander.

Bucky scrambles for his phone.

He texts Daddy one-handed as he grabs a change of clothes, shuffling down the hall to the bathroom.

_We need to move Commander Rumlow to the ducklings’ house. It’d help everybody._

Bucky Bear doesn’t think the Commander will like it. But the Commander’s just going to have to deal.

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky made [window ghosts](http://mommysavers.com/halloween-kids-craft-homemade-ghost-window-clings/) with Steve back in [_'Till the End of the Line._](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2500715) There is not an installment or interlude where they make [crayon stained glass](https://artfulparent.com/2016/02/melted-crayon-stained-glass-art.html), but it seemed like a project Steve would do.
> 
> I imagine Leo's fashion sensibilities as similar to [Marion Silver](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_WNLxW9X3P1o/TS6zNDntGiI/AAAAAAAAA3o/zTmIoqCyw_g/s1600/requiem.jpg) in _Requiem for a Dream._
> 
> [Ushankas](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ushanka) are the stereotypical Russian fur hat.
> 
> The book that Tesla had previously read to Bucky was Eric Carle's [_The Mixed-Up Chameleon_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tB6ti6Qa1o). Tesla's bear is electric blue because her namesake is Tesla Tarasova, [the Electric Ghost.](http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Tesla_Tarasova_\(Earth-616\))
> 
> The movie that Bucky watched with the ducklings was [_Killdozer._](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpp2AmlftrI)
> 
> Bucky went to Disney in [babydraco](https://archiveofourown.org/users/babydraco/pseuds/babydraco)'s fic [_A Small World After All._](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8704810)
> 
> Come say hello on [Tumblr](http://lauralot89.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
